Most of the families we work with have lovely things to say about the person who has died. We hear beautiful memories, funny stories, nicknames and little habits, and often there is so much affection in the room that the hard part is deciding what can possibly fit.
But let’s be real. That isn’t always the case.
In this work, we see families in all their complicated relationships. That includes estrangements, fractured relationships, old resentments and family dynamics that didn’t disappear because somebody died. We’ve also heard eulogies where grievances and dirty laundry were aired that had very little to do with the person everyone had gathered for.
When someone dies and the relationship was complicated, grief can sit alongside anger, disappointment, relief, guilt and things that were never resolved. And if you’re expected to speak at the funeral, there can be an uncomfortable question underneath it all:
What am I supposed to say when I don’t have lovely things to say?
Death doesn’t rewrite the relationship
There can be an unspoken pressure after someone dies to simplify them. We choose the nicest photographs and tell the funny stories, and the difficult parts are quietly put to one side. Often that’s entirely appropriate. A funeral isn’t the place to settle old scores, but there is a difference between choosing kindness and pretending.
Death doesn’t erase what happened. It can even make a complicated relationship harder to process, because the chance of resolving things has gone. There may never be the apology you hoped for, or the conversation you thought there would be time to have.
Sometimes we’re grieving the person who died, but also the relationship we had with them and the one we wished we’d had.
A eulogy doesn’t have to make someone a saint
A funeral should be handled with care. That doesn’t mean you need to describe someone as a wonderful father, devoted partner or generous friend if that wasn’t your experience of them. Nor does the alternative need to be an airing of grievances.
If you’re writing a eulogy after a difficult relationship, a useful question to ask is: is this helping me tell the story of the person who died, or is this about a conflict between the people who are still here?
Being honest doesn’t mean being cruel
It can help to begin with what is simply true. What mattered to them? What made them unmistakably themselves? Often it’s the small details that bring someone into the room: their nickname, the expression they always used, what they did every Sunday without fail, the story everyone has heard a hundred times.
You don’t have to say your father was “the most loving dad anyone could have asked for” if that wasn’t true. You might say that Dad wasn’t always an easy man to understand, but anyone who knew him knew exactly where he’d be at four o’clock on a Saturday. Then tell that story.
People don’t need to have been perfect to be remembered with humanity.
One person can leave behind very different relationships
The same person can be experienced very differently by the people around them. Someone’s wonderful friend may have been somebody else’s difficult father. One sibling may remember their childhood fondly while another remembers it very differently.
There isn’t always one definitive version of a person, and a funeral doesn’t need to decide whose version is correct. Sometimes it simply needs enough space for people to carry their own memories.
Not everything that needs to be said needs an audience
Something needing to be said doesn’t necessarily mean it belongs in the eulogy. A room full of grieving relatives and friends may not be the right audience for every unresolved argument.
Some words are better said privately. You might write a letter, speak to them when you’re alone, say something quietly at the graveside, write everything down and never show anyone, or talk it through with somebody you trust.
There are things we say in front of a room to acknowledge someone’s life, and things we need to say for ourselves. They don’t have to be the same.
When someone dies and there was unfinished business
The word closure gets used a lot around death, and I’m never entirely sure it describes what actually happens. A funeral can’t undo years of hurt. What it can sometimes do is mark something. It can be a chance to acknowledge the relationship as it actually was, and to say goodbye to the person who existed rather than the person you kept hoping they might become.
That doesn’t have to mean forgiving, forgetting or understanding. Sometimes it’s simply acknowledging what was, what wasn’t, and what can no longer be changed.
There is no correct way to grieve a complicated relationship
When someone dies and the relationship was complicated, your feelings may not fit neatly together. You might be devastated or angry. You might miss them despite everything, feel relief and then guilt for feeling relieved, or listen to other people grieve a version of them you barely recognise.
You can love somebody and be angry with them. You can mourn somebody while acknowledging they caused hurt. The relationship was complicated in life, so it’s understandable that your grief is complicated too.
Saying goodbye without pretending
Some of the most meaningful funerals aren’t the ones that make somebody sound perfect. They’re the ones where you recognise the person being spoken about: their humour, flaws and contradictions, the things that drove everyone mad and the things people will unexpectedly miss.
You don’t have to resolve an entire relationship in a funeral service. Sometimes it’s enough to acknowledge a life honestly, decide what doesn’t need an audience, and find a way of saying goodbye that feels true.
Funerals aren’t only about celebrating a life. Sometimes they’re also about making peace with one.
By Matt Morgan, Idyllic Funerals
